


Breaking

by anemptymargin



Category: Mighty Boosh RPF
Genre: Community: queer_fest, M/M, very mild potential for dubious consent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-02
Updated: 2011-05-02
Packaged: 2017-10-18 21:32:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/193523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anemptymargin/pseuds/anemptymargin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Julian processes things differently, a series of random thoughts becoming a running theme, becoming a reality.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breaking

**Author's Note:**

> Written for (LJ)queer_fest 2011 prompt: Noel is happily genderqueer and bi, but Julian can't even admit to himself that he's attracted to Noel. At some point, something has to break.
> 
> I’ve lurked in this fandom for years and until recently not had the courage to write anything given the high level of talent in the fandom – but I just couldn’t not write this. Timeline is 2000-ish? Many, many thanks to [kahvi](http://kahvi.livejournal.com/profile) and [Missy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/pseuds/Missy) for giving it the first go over! You two caught all the really embarrassing stuff. And an extra helping of thanks for [thinlizzy2](http://thinlizzy2.livejournal.com/profile) for additional final beta work.

_Chuff – clunk. Chuff – clunk. Clunk. Clunkclunkclunk. “Fucking hell.” Chuff-clunk._

“Platform boots.” Julian whispered under his breath, running his fingers over the unyielding plastic keys of his keyboard – catching a small clutch of notes that seemed to fit his mood. It was a writing day; they were supposed to be writing. Instead, he’d spent it tinkering with a song that had no soul and Noel had, somewhat predictably, spent it faffing about in charity shops. Distracted by the ever closer thump of platform boots was eclipsed by the swirl of black sequined fringe in the corner of his view and Julian closed his eyes and let his fingers find the same combination of notes again.

“You should come out with us tonight.” Noel’s voice interrupted Julian’s short train of thought, eliciting only a somewhat annoyed sigh. “I mean it, Ju… it’s a good night for it.”

“For you it’s always a good night for it.” Julian muttered under his breath.

Noel sighed and rocked his hips, the long skirt he wore dusting the floor. “Don’t be that way.” He moved in closer, pushing himself against Julian’s side to gently press a kiss against the other man’s temple. “It’ll be fun.”

Julian slowly opened his eyes, tilting his head to look fully at Noel. It wasn’t fair that he should be lovely regardless of what bizarre array of fabrics and baubles he happened to fling upon his person, but what Julian saw was not much different than what Noel had worn out on his quest to find whatever it was he hoped to find second hand. Zebra print platforms did indeed poke out from under the fringed hem of a black sequined gypsy skirt, complimented by a tight blue t-shirt. “En femme again, then?”

Noel shrugged and smiled, hiking up his skirt before straddling Julian’s lap, comfortably sitting on the other man’s thighs – his full weight easily shiftng against Julian’s frame in the armless chair. “Felt right.”

“Feels different tonight.” Julian nodded slightly, letting out a barely perceptible groan of delight when soft hair brushed across his face. Without thinking, he hugged his friend tight, letting himself bask in Noel’s frequent need for touch.

He laughed softly, pulling back with an almost shy grin, changing the subject. “I got tits.”

“You haven’t.”

“I have.” He grinned wide, the innocence melting away to pure harlotry as he took off his t-shirt to show off a black bra that did indeed seem to proffer delightfully small breasts. “Almost two hundred pounds.”

“Two hundred? Christ, Noel…”

“Worth it, though.” He licked his lower lip and grasped the hand that was stroking over his hair, sliding it down to the lace covered curve. “Give it a proper grope.”

“Noel!” Julian groaned, his hand fully covering it before instinctively squeezing. “It’s… erm…” He couldn’t help but chuckle, tilting his head away to hide an embarrassed smile. It was completely and horribly unfair of him to tease… surely he knew it was a tease.

“Brilliant, isn’t it?” He found Julian’s other palm cupping the small of his bare back and guided it to the other false breast. “Go ahead, I won’t tell the straights you touched ‘em.”

“No… stop it…” Julian protested quietly, looking back to his hands as they worked in unison over the black lace – thumbs tucking inside the bra to stroke the soft pink silicone.

“Oh no, you’re touching my breasts you sex pervert.” Noel grinned, his sing-song tone clearly mocking. “They are nice, though right?”

“I wouldn’t know.” Julian squeezed again. Noel let out a soft moan, the sound putting Julian in a place he didn’t quite care to consider at such an early hour of the evening. “Don’t do that, Noel – it’s distracting.”

“Distracting?” Noel laughed quietly.

“Yes.” The smile returned, though much more distressed than before as he managed a brief look at Noel’s face – oddly devoid of makeup. “Distracting me from… properly assessing the value of your purchase.”

“More like feeling me up like a public school tart.” Noel leaned in closer, pressing a kiss against Julian’s stubbly chin. “Come on, come out with me tonight. You can’t just sit around in your pants all night. I don’t want to be alone.”

“Stay in.” Julian’s hands finally moved away from Noel’s chest to rest on his slender hips – maintaining the impression he was what kept Noel poised on his lap. “Maybe get some actual work done.”

“No...” Noel whined, resting his forehead against Julian’s shoulder. “No more work; I need to dance.”

“Then I’m afraid you’re on your own tonight.” Julian replied. It was a common exchange, but made all the more compelling during Noel’s exploits into the less pleasant bits of the city, looking like he fell off the back of the big queer trolley. He wanted to protect Noel, not to change him… but once he was lost in a throng of heaving bodies at a club he may as well be alone. No, it was better to stay in and do something of worth – to be there when Noel returned high as a kite and in dire need of a cool shower and lie down.

“There’ll be girls.” Noel offered, grasping at straws.

“And how many of them will have a penis?”

Noel chuckled, nuzzling the collar of Julian’s open shirt – his lips finding the bare skin underneath. “You sound phobic when you say that.”

“No, I just like to know what I’m getting myself into.” Julian forced a chuckle, knowing full and well he’d gotten himself into far stranger situations than dealing with the sort Noel ran with at the clubs… that mostly being Noel himself.

Noel groaned and lifted his head slightly, rocking his body in tighter against Julian’s – his bare skin grinding against Julian’s tight pants hard enough to be rewarded with the shifting of his cock and a pleasured gasp. “Come on, you wouldn’t know half the time. Pretty girl, couple drinks… next thing you know she’s sitting on your lap, purring in your ear…”

“Noel.” Julian groaned, forcing back things he didn’t want to be dealing with… particularly things that currently threatened to make other things just the slightest bit uncomfortable for him.

Noel’s voice pitched up into a soft falsetto as he murmured against Julian’s ear, “Ooooh, I’ve never done a real musician before… maybe you can show me your guitar sometime… mmmm… have you ever done a girl dirty before…”

“Stop.” Julian sighed, his eyes closed tight – forcing the mental image as far out of his brain as he possibly could. It was wrong, all so very wrong and all completely Noel’s fault. “I said I’m not going out!”

“Wouldn’t matter, I’m a girl when I wanna be.” Noel groaned, letting out a frustrated sigh before pushing back up onto his zebra boots and off Julian’s lap. “Sometimes you’re just too busy being straight laced to get it.”

“I just don’t want to go out, all right?”

“Yeah. Whatever.” Noel shrugged and found his t-shirt, pulling it back on and making a show of adjusting his skirt. “I’ll just do my makeup and be off, then.”

“Yeah.” Julian turned his attention back to the keyboard, anywhere but where it was wanted. “I’ll probably be working late… you know, if you…” He wanted to say ‘need me’ but he knew that would only start another conversation – or argument – he didn’t want to be part of.

Noel crossed his arms over his chest, clearly about to say something, and then simply shook his head and walked away.

***

Hours later, Julian closed his eyes and stretched out on his bed, finding a comfortable spot for the night. It was late, but he’d managed to get quite a bit accomplished even without his partner. There was no sense waiting up for Noel, if he wasn’t going home he’d come knock Julian up in the wee hours claiming drunkenly to have lost his keys. The silence was nice though, much more peaceful than the previous night when Noel had insisted on climbing into bed with him and spent the majority of the night alternating between snoring, stealing pillows, and getting rather friendly. In fact, those types of evening seemed increasingly more frequent even when they weren’t in the middle of a writing spurt.

On autopilot, he brushed his palm over the front of his pants, teasing at the fabric as though he were seducing himself. Noel would say he considered masturbation the last refuge of the hopeless, but Julian liked to consider it more like the lost art of autoeroticism – and taken the opportunity to remind Noel of the multitude of times he’d caught him in the midst of a frantic wank. Not to mention the times he’d found fluids on the washing he couldn’t explain. Though he did have to admit his own routine did seem rather mundane in comparison; but really, who gets off in the garden?

Pushing aside his thoughts again, Julian forced himself to concentrate on the task at hand. He focused his thoughts on conjuring up a mental image; some sweet… beautiful creature. A slender girl with soft hair, demanding mouth kissing at his throat. “Never had a musician before…” He whispered into the empty dark, letting out a soft chuckle. Noel did know how to spin a lovely mental image. His fingers dipped under the cotton band and found their mark – stroking himself with a gentle touch. His brain began to fill in the story; she’d be on top of him, rocking her hips and teasing his cock against her tiny little panties. “Mmm… yes…” He groaned, wrapping his fingers around the shaft – timidly flicking his wrist as he stroked.

He closed his eyes tight, letting out a soft moan. The fantasy in his mind was freewheeling and left to explore, so the soft voice continued; “Mmm, you ever done a girl… you know, a bit dirty?” He smiled and tightened his grasp, not even expecting his brain to push back into the uncomfortable territory it liked to dabble in as of late. The voice dropped slightly and became much more familiar; “Won’t even know the difference.”

“Mmm, god…” He groaned, squeezing his cock hard and letting the strokes grow more frantic – feeling familiar kisses that he tried not to think about in terms of sex when they happened in outside of his imagination.

As though sensing a disturbance in Julian’s psyche; Noel pounded at the front door – startling him out of his fantasy. “Christ, now?” He groaned loudly, hoping that the sensation wouldn’t end and he’d finish fast.

“Julian!” Noel’s voice called out much too loudly for the time of night – he’d draw attention for certain. “Wake up, Ju!”

“Shut up… shut up.” Julian muttered, giving several more hard strokes before giving up on the endeavor and stumbling out of bed. He didn’t bother with trousers, he was tired and frustrated and ready to throttle Noel for his horrible sense of timing.

“I need you -” He yelled again, cut off by Julian opening the door with a scowl. “Oh, hey!”

A young woman in reflective yellow pushed Noel forward hard before asking, “Eh, this one belongs to you then?”

“Yeah, yeah… I…” Julian tried to think on his feet, it wasn’t exactly the first time Noel had been escorted to his home but usually there wasn’t a support officer involved. “Sorry if he’s been trouble, you know how the lads get – out for a few drinks and next thing you know…”

Noel brushed past him in the narrow doorway, the scent of smoke and sweat clinging to his over-styled hair. “I told her I knew where I was going, I’m not that pissed.”

“Ignore him, eh… officer.” Julian flashed a sleepy smile, attempting to hide his lower half behind the door – realizing he must appear quite the state even for half two on a Friday night. “I’ll make sure he gets to bed safely.”

“Best watch that one, he’s trouble.”

Julian nodded and offered a shy wave, closing the door as quickly as he could. “Noel…” He didn’t turn, couldn’t even look at him for a moment. “Would you please tell me why a support officer brought you here?”

“They’re stupid.” Julian’s sofa gave a loud squeal of protest as Noel flung himself down on it, “I told her I was awright but she wouldn’t listen.”

Julian sighed and shook his head, finally turning to make the path back to his warm bed. “I’m going back to bed, Noel.”

Noel chuckled, kicking his platform boots up on the arm of the sofa he’d sprawled across. “Help me with my boots.”

“Your boots.” Julian muttered, stopping at the zebra striped monstrosities anyway. “Why am I taking off your boots?”

“Mmm, because you love me and you take care of me when I need you.” Noel flashed another grin, following it with a soft groan when Julian gave a hard tug at the first one.

“Sure.”

“You’ve got a stiffy.” Noel pointed out, licking his lower lip as he angled his leg for the boot to slide off successfully.

Julian’s face warmed and he stepped closer to the sofa, taking after the other heavy boot. “If you’re going to go around with your legs open like that, you should look into something underneath your skirt.” He quipped, lowering the side zip of the remaining boot.

“Mmm, dirty Juju.” Noel grinned, letting out a soft groan as the second boot came off – the hollow thud punctuating his laugh. “If I knew all it took to get you hard was not wearing knickers I’d have done it ages ago.”

Julian merely shook his head and let Noel’s foot drop back down against the arm, heading back to his room. He’d even made it under the covers when his friend predictably followed him in, tugging away the cool blanket to slip onto the opposite side of the small bed. “I’m going to sleep, Noel. You should too.”

“Yeah, right.” Noel smiled, nuzzling his face against a stray pillow – smudging what remained of his makeup across the case. “I interrupted you, right?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Does to me.”

“You’ve been drinking. God knows what else.”

Noel was quiet a long moment before pressing himself even closer under the covers, his t-shirt riding up just enough to feel the press of Julian’s bare belly against his own. “Just a bit. Made it here, didn’t I?”

“With a police escort.”

“It was only a support officer; they’re not like the real police.”

Julian rolled onto his back and closed his eyes, “Just go to sleep.”

“I want to help.” Noel shifted once more, following Julian until he was nestled easily in the crook of his shoulder. “I can do it, I’ve seen you lots of times – could copy it dead on.”

“Just… stop.” Julian sighed loudly.

A long silence passed between them and Julian let himself drift closer to sleep until Noel asked; “What ‘m I doing wrong?” Refusing to respond, Julian pretended to be sleeping. “I’m trying, Julian… you do know I’m trying, right?”

“We’re not talking about it.” Julian sighed, closing his eyes even more tightly. “Goodnight.”

Noel whined under his breath and rolled out of the small bed, standing on shaky feet as he managed to turn on a bedside lamp. With a considerable bravado, he stripped off his t-shirt and tossed it on the floor. “Look at me here, yeah? It’s all for you, you know that? All I wanted to do was go out… have fun, maybe I don’t know – maybe pull you out of your little box a little.”

“Calm yourself, Noel. It’s late. You’re pissed…”

“I’m not. Stop saying I am because I’m bloody well not and I don’t mean to be.” Noel spat back, waiting for Julian to look at him – when he didn’t, Noel continued; “I’m bothered, Julian. Bothered by you and this shit that you keep avoiding, like I’m some slag you’re gonna skip out on after a go.”

“Stop it.” Julian opened his eyes, watching Noel begin to pace full step – unlikely he’d be stopping on his own. “I’m not skipping out on anything, just not sure what you’re pushing for in this.”

“Pretty obvious, innit?” Noel stopped mid-step, thumbs easily slipping his long skirt off the ridges of his hips – the heap of sequins and fringe pooling on the floor. “I want it all.”

Any other moment, Julian would have grinned – would have laughed it off and chalked it up to the combination of dramatics and alcohol. He didn’t laugh, only sighed and shook his head. “So that’s what you putting it down to, then? It’s got to be a sex thing?”

Noel shrugged, the straps of his bra shifting as his shoulders seemed to curl inward with the motion. “I don’t know, where’d you think it was gonna go? We’ve done everything else.”

“So now you want to because you’re bored? Right, that’s sensible.”

“You’re taking it all wrong.” Noel sighed again and sat down heavily on the empty side of the bed, facing away from his friend. “It’s just that I was sort of on the pull tonight and I hit it off this girl, right? And we were talking and all I could think about was maybe if you were there with me and her it would be all right. That as long as there was a woman there and not just me you’d be up for it.”

Julian groaned at the thought, “I don’t do that, Noel. I’m not the sort of person that does that.”

Noel let out a soft chuckle under his breath and nodded to himself. “I know, that’s why you’re brilliant. Well, sort of a little bit why. That’s why I had the cab drop me up the street, so I could cool off after telling her I couldn’t do it.”

“You turned her down?”

“I know, right? I just… I couldn’t stop thinking about things.”

It wasn’t exactly like Noel to live in his head; he’d always tended to let things out as they come to him… much to the chagrin of most anyone who happened to be attached to him at the time. Julian rolled onto his side and reached out to him, his hand gently brushing against a bare hip. “Nothing to think about, Noel. Just… just leave it be, okay?”

“I can’t. I don’t want to, I’m sick of leaving it like it is.”

“You know I can’t. I’m just… I’m not.” Julian stumbled, and then let out a groaning sigh. “I’m not attracted to men.”

“You don’t have to be, but you’re attracted to me. I know you are. Everyone knows you are. Dead people know you are.”

“I’m not.” Julian responded quietly, knowing full and well how stupid he sounded when he was clearly lying. “I mean, physically… I’m just… I’m not.”

“You are. It’s okay, nobody cares.”

“I care.”

“Why?”

There wasn’t really an answer for that question. Julian closed his eyes, once more running his fingers over the familiar skin, not entirely surprised when Noel slipped under the sheets and curled up beside him. He sighed and wrapped his arms around the smaller man, holding him as tight as he could for what seemed like ages. Finally, he answered; “Because I need to think about it.”

Noel pushed himself in closer against Julian’s chest, nuzzling against his shoulder. Comfortable, he kissed the side of Julian’s jaw; “You’re lost up in your head again with all this, aren’t you?”

Julian nodded, his fingers stroking over the back of Noel’s head. It was peaceful, and it really wouldn’t be off to say he liked the idea of keeping what they had without anything else to it. Didn’t need be anything else, really – it wasn’t fair at all. “Maybe.”

“Maybe sometime I can be lost with you.” He said, adding another small kiss.

***

Julian woke first, as expected, to the overcast morning. Over the course of the night, Noel had managed to cocoon himself in the bedclothes and smeared the pillow under his head with makeup; Julian’s presumably had been nicked and was tucked amongst the layers of fabric. Briefly, he considered a bath and perhaps finishing what he’d started the night before. Instead, he smoked half a cigarette in the toilet before not only getting dressed but making it to the market and back without waking Noel’s slumber.

He was bent over the sink, peeling an orange when he heard the familiar cadence of sleep-heavy footsteps on the kitchen floor.

“You’re mental.” Noel laughed, “What’re you up at dawn peeling citrus for?”

Julian let the finished orange drop into the bowl with three others before taking an unlit cigarette from his lips, gesturing it at Noel when he turned to face him. “Says the man standing in my kitchen in nothing but a bra that has washed up but not yet brushed his hair.”

“Yeah, whatever… if I had lady parts you’d think it was dead sexy – probably be all over me right now.” Noel shrugged, one of his tits slipping to the side – the adhesive apparently having pulled free in the night.

Julian shrugged and licked his lower lip, making a show of casually leaning back against the sink. “Who says I don’t? You’re not horrible at making madness look attractive.”

Noel chuckled and raked his fingers through his hair, catching a tangled mass. “Watch out, Ju. Don’t want the heterosexual mafia to come revoke your membership.” He stumbled forward and found a basket of clean washing that had been slowly migrating back to the dirty pile as opposed to actually being put away. “Can’t let them know you find someone even casually resembling a male attractive, you know.”

“Shut up.” Julian sighed and lit his cigarette while he watched Noel struggle into a pair of tight briefs. “I get that it’s easy for you to do this whole… queer… thing.” He closed his eyes a long moment, taking several drags before opening them again; “You make it confusing for me, is that what you want me to say?”

Noel fished one of Julian’s shirts from the basket and put it on, only bothering to finish a pair of buttons towards the middle. “I’m borrowing your shirt.”

“I mean it, Noel. What do you want me to say? Yeah, I’m secure enough in my sexuality that we can do everything we do. We’ve shared a bed a hundred times and it doesn’t matter.”

“Why would it?” Noel spoke softly, sitting at a small card table stacked with various bits, papers, and bags.

“We’ve done everything but actually have sex, you know?” Julian paused, taking another heavy drag before setting the remaining half butt in a mostly full ashtray. “And I can’t say it didn’t mean anything because it does in the way that everything has depth and meaning.”

“It wasn’t really sexual.” Noel shrugged to himself more than his friend.

Julian stopped just short of pacing the length of the small kitchen – tucking one hand absently in his pocket. “Well… I mean… it could have been. Could be. I don’t know.” He turned back toward the sink, suddenly feeling even more like a thoughtless git than the night before. “I’m not gay, Noel. I’m not even bisexual – I’m not repelled or anything stupid and you know that.” He sighed loudly, picking up his discarded cigarette for something to do with his hands more than actual desire to have it. “Men just don’t do it for me.”

“Fine. You don’t have to talk about it.” Noel found an open bag of crisps and plucked out one unbroken piece. “I understand.”

“Right.” Julian nodded to himself, considering letting the subject drop – it would be easy enough to just let it stay right where it was. Of course, it would hardly be fair. “Except it wouldn’t be fair to say there’s nothing to it.” He picked up the forgotten bowl and took it to the table, waiting for some startling revelation from Noel that would make it all somehow fall into place.

“Oranges. Lovely.”

Julian waited, watching as he segmented the slices – eating them quickly at first and slowing as he began on the second fruit. When it didn’t look like there was going to be any answers, he asked; “Why am I even doing this?”

“Because you have issues seeing sexuality as anything but a two-way road.” Noel didn’t even look at him. “And you want to have your dramatic stomping about and beating your chest before you make a decision both of us know you’ve already made.”

Julian looked away and found himself chewing on the side of his thumb as he tried to figure a way out that didn’t involve just bolting from his own home and finding that nice commune he’d heard about in Aberdeen. “So, that’s it then?” He finally managed to mutter.

Noel licked his fingers loudly, drawing Julian’s attention back on him. “It’s never it.” He smiled innocently, rocking his shoulders and managing to shift the thick collar of the open plaid shirt he’d pilfered just far enough to show the entirety of his skewed bra. “Just don’t think about it if you’re that bothered. It’s not a problem or anything.”

“Maybe not for you.”

“Not for you, too. You’re being stupid.”

“Don’t call me stupid.”

“Fine, right.” Noel shook his head and pushed up out of his chair. “I’m going…”

“No, don’t. I’m stupid.”

“This is going nowhere, right? May as well get something done today.” Noel shrugged again, not seeming at all surprised when Julian’s hand shot out and gripped his wrist tight. “Let go, Ju.”

“No.” Julian responded softly.

Noel muttered under his breath and gave a hard pull, the bones of his thin wrist shifting audibly as he yanked Julian out of his chair and onto his feet. “I’ll just take you with me.”

“Fine. Take me.” Julian sighed, “I don’t care.”

He pulled again, and then let out a soft groan as Julian’s dead weight pulled back. He stopped, only to step up tight against him. “You care. Fuck you. You care.”

“Surprised you didn’t laugh when I said ‘take me.’” Julian’s lips twitched and one corner of his mouth rose in the beginning of a smile.

“Should I? I can go back and try again.” Noel grinned, the tension already diffusing from the moment.

“No.” Julian shook his head, lowering his eyes. Slowly, Noel leaned against him, his head resting against Julian’s chest comfortably. It only seemed natural, his arms wrapping Noel’s shoulders only to have it echoed by arms around his waist. It was a stupid thing to get flustered over, he’d figured out that much over the course of the previous evening – but it still bothered him. “Mmm… beautiful creature, you.”

“You think it bothers you because you’re afraid of messing up things?” Noel murmured against his chest, nuzzling up into the soft cotton.

“I wouldn’t let that happen.”

Noel’s body went unexpectedly rigid under his touch and all he could do was wait for the inevitable. And then he broke, lifting Noel’s chin and barely able to look at him before just letting himself get over it.

The kiss wasn’t their first, not even the first that wasn’t staged – but it was different. Not better, or worse… and Julian knew full and well the sensation of the world moving underneath him was simply Noel pushing him back into his chair before climbing into his lap.

“Are you…” Noel started to speak, cut off by another hard kiss coupled with Julian’s hands pushing up under his bra. He groaned against Julian’s lips and pushed forward, feeling the fingers digging under the false breasts and finding his skin.

 _Clunk – squeak. Creak – clunk. Clunk. Clunkclunkclunk. “Fucking hell, Ju...” Clunk._

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fictional parody in no way intended to infringe upon the rights of any individual or corporate entity. Any and all characters or celebrity personae belong to their rightful owners. Absolutely no money has or will be gained from this work. Please do not publicly link, repost or redistribute without letting me know first.


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